Harry Potter Theories for Dummies
by Valias
Summary: When Harry recieves an interesting book for Christmas, humor and chaos result. Snape dancing like Ricky Martin!
1. Default Chapter

Harry Potter Theories for Dummies  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling, Warner Brothers, Scholastic Books, etc. Also, some of the theories I use in this story are made up by me and most are from HP websites. The theories are totally comedic/parody and written as if predictions for upcoming HP books. There are OotP spoilers.  
  
Summary: Harry, Ron, and Hermione discover an interesting book.  
  
Chapter 1: The discovery of the book and Snape theories  
  
*Harry is sitting around bored to death in the common room in front of the fire. There are only four other people in the common room, including Fred, George, Ron, and Hermione, because it is Christmas break. Fred and George are just there visiting for the day.*  
  
Harry: Hey, why don't we open some presents?  
  
Ron: Why not, Christmas is tomorrow anyway.  
  
Hermione: *puts down her 54321 page book* Ok.  
  
Fred: You guys go ahead, we're busy working on an experiment.  
  
Ron: *opens one of his presents* Huh? *the present is a pink sweater with a black 'H' on it.*  
  
Hermione: Maybe your mom forgot your name and bleached it on accident...  
  
Ron: *shrugs* Probably. *Hermione opens a present and it's a maroon sweater with a gold 'R' on it.  
  
Hermione: Um... actually I think you have my sweater and I have yours... *switches sweaters with Ron as Harry opens his present*  
  
Harry: Hey come here, this is weird...  
  
Ron & Hermione in unison: What is it?  
  
Harry: It's a book called "Harry Potter Theories for Dummies."  
  
Hermione: Who wrote it?  
  
Harry: It doesn't say.  
  
Ron: Open it, then.  
  
*While suspenseful music plays, Harry slowly opens the book. There is a table of contents that list the chapters of the book.*  
  
Harry: *reads out loud.* Chapter 1: Getting Started, the three steps of writing theories. Chapter 2: How to get your theories recognized. Chapter 3: Theories written by others. (organized by characters)  
  
Ron: I'll read chapter 1 so we can get to the bottom of this. *opens book to chapter 1 and reads.* So you want to learn how to write Harry Potter theories, do you? If you want to write serious theories, I'd suggest closing this book now because the theories you will learn how to write in here are parody/comedic theories and are in no means meant to be taken seriously. If you have read this far without closing this book, then congratulations, you are already on your way to writing hilarious theories. Now, to get started, there are three steps you must remember when writing theories. Step 1: Choose a character or characters in which to base your theory. This character(s) can be a major or minor one(s) in relation to the characters in the Harry Potter books. *Ron stops reading immediately and drops the book.*  
  
Harry: Harry Potter books, what are they talking about?  
  
Hermione: *sighs* You mean you've never heard of J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books?  
  
Harry and Ron: No.  
  
Hermione: Well, to put it in simple terms, they're books about all of us and of Hogwarts and the adventures we go through.  
  
Harry: Wait a minute, how can this Rowling person write about us if she doesn't go to school here?  
  
Hermione: That's the thing, I don't know. She must have a reporter who records what goes on.  
  
Ron: Who is it?  
  
Hermione: I just said I don't know. It could be anyone. Rita Skeeter, an author of the Quibbler, anyone. So can we continue reading, then?  
  
Ron: Ok. *picks the book back up and turns to Chapter 1.* Where was I...oh yeah, Step 2. *continues reading.*  
  
Step 2: Whatever you decide to theorize on, it can't make sense or be anything that would really happen.  
  
Step 3: No picking on Fred or George.  
  
Ron: WHAT?  
  
George: *walks over to the group* You caught us, we wrote the book.  
  
Harry: Why?  
  
Fred: Well, we didn't have any joke books for our joke shop, so we decided to write this one. We hope when you're done you'll allow us to publish it. We need your permission because the book is about the books about you.  
  
Harry: I don't care, you can publish it.  
  
Fred: You might want to read it first; there may be jokes about you. To tell you the truth, we really haven't had time to read the whole thing ourselves. Some of the theories were OWLed to us, so we have to double check them.  
  
George: So why don't you continue reading Ron; we haven't got all day here!  
  
Ron: *scowls at George but continues reading*  
  
Chapter 2: How to get your theories recognized. Now that you know how to write a HP-based theory, the next step is to get it recognized. There are several ways in which you can do this. The first way is by posting your theories on a Harry Potter website/message board. (Don't ask.) The second way is by creating your own Harry Potter website/webpage and posting them that way. Finally, you can OWL your theories to us, Fred and George, owners of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. If your theories are any good, we will publish them in our second HP theory book. We are always looking for more theories!  
  
Ron: I'm getting sick of reading. Will someone else read?  
  
Harry: I will. *reads*  
  
Chapter 3: Theories written by others. (organized by characters)  
  
Here are some of our favorite HP based theories. We are making no money off publishing these theories, except for the ones we wrote. We would like to thank all the people who contributed their theories to make this book possible. Please note that these theories are written in the present tense. So, without further ado, pick a character and read!  
  
Harry:*stops reading* Someone choose the character.  
  
George: How about Snape. *everyone nods in agreement*  
  
Harry: *turns to the page with Snape theories* (A/N: Keep in mind, these are joke theories!) I'll just read a few of them.  
  
1. Snape asks Harry if he can adopt him.  
  
Harry: That would never happen! *everyone else laughs while Harry looks mad*  
  
Fred: Chill Harry, it's just a joke!  
  
Harry: I don't want to read anymore. Someone else read.  
  
George: Me! *reads*  
  
2. During potions class, Snape gets in front of the class and does the Macarena.  
  
*Everyone laughs*  
  
3. Snape washes his hair with one of Lockhart's own brand shampoos.  
  
Hermione: Lockhart has his own line of shampoo?  
  
Fred: No, at least I hope not. *George continues reading*  
  
4. Snape sneaks around at night wearing a mask and cape claiming to be Batman.  
  
Ron: I wouldn't be surprised if that was true!  
  
5. Something goes seriously wrong with a potion Snape is trying to make, and he jumps up onto his desk and begins dancing and singing like Ricky Martin in front of the entire class.  
  
6. Snape's hairstyle becomes a new trend.  
  
Harry: Now that's good! 7. Snape accidentally puts a love potion into Trelawney's cup instead of McGonagall's. *Everyone has a disgusted expression on their face* Harry: I never knew he liked McGonagall... George: Who knows if he does? It makes for a good joke though. I'll read one more. 8. Snape yells at Draco. Harry: I wish that theory would come true!  
  
~* End of Chapter 1. If I get some reviews, I'll continue. : ) *~ 


	2. Teacher and Faculty Theories

Harry Potter Theories for Dummies: Chapter 2  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling, Warner Brothers, Scholastic Books, etc. Also, some of the theories I use in this story are made up by me and most are from HP websites. The theories are totally comedic/parody and written as if predictions for upcoming HP books. There are OotP spoilers. Thanks to the reviewers! Vanyaria Darkshadow: Thanks for the idea; I'll use it in the next chapter. Lol, what summary do you suggest then? If you can think of a good one that's not too big, then I'll use it.  
  
Lady Pyra, Crucia, earthly and Mithrill: Thanks, and I hope you all enjoy this chapter! It should be a bit longer than the first one!  
  
Chapter 2: Teacher and Faculty theories  
  
George: There's a few more Snape theories.  
  
9. Snape has an emotional breakdown in class, and runs out saying: "I knew I should have become a drag-queen instead!! YOU STUDENTS DON'T RESPECT WHAT I GAVE UP FOR YOU!!!!!"  
  
10. Snape hold a reunion party for all of his Gryffindor buddies from way back when.  
  
Ron: He had friends in Gryffindor?  
  
George: No! At least I don't think so...  
  
11. Snape, Lupin, Dobby and Wormtail sing Lady Marmalade on Halloween.  
  
Ron: Lady what? 12. Snape runs around carrying a camera with Colin Creevy taking pictures of Harry. Harry: NO! The last thing I need is another obsessive fan! 13. Snape, Karkaroff, Voldie, Lupin, and Dumbledore will be the new N'sync. (Dancing to Bye, bye, bye) Fred: (theatrically) The horror! 14. Snape decides "Why wear black? Hot pink is more my color!" as he pulls on fuchsia robes. George: *laughing* Here's the last one. I know you're all mad about that. *says this sarcastically* 15. Trelawney tells Snape that she predicts a baby in the future. Snape claps his hands in the air, yells out a whoop of excitement, and says, "It's about time we had a baby!" Harry: Snape likes Trelawney? Fred: *shrugs* Maybe, maybe not. That was the last one! After reading the Snape theories, the group discusses whose theories they want to read next. Harry: How about McGonagall?  
  
Fred: No, Hagrid!  
  
Hermione: FRED!  
  
Fred: What?  
  
Ron: Filch!  
  
George: Hey, why don't we just read all the teacher/faculty theories? *Everyone nods in agreement.*  
  
Ron: Who first then?  
  
George: Hmm, how about Filch, there's not that many of him. *Turns to the page with the Filch theories and reads*  
  
1. Filch actually gets a life and stops turning all the kids in for being out of bed.  
  
Harry: Now that would be the day...  
  
2. Filch and Madam Pomfrey decide to switch jobs.  
  
Hermione: That wouldn't be too good!  
  
3. Filch stands on a table in the Great Hall singing "Everybody Dance Now."  
  
Fred: I love that song! *Starts to sing very badly*  
  
Ron: Please spare us... *Fred scowls at Ron.*  
  
4. Filch suddenly becomes allergic to cats, so he gets a goldfish. 5. Hogwarts gets a computer lab, so Filch sneaks in and sells all of the Hogwarts paintings on eBay. He loses his job, and Mrs. Norris is forced to become the next "Baxter" on the Meow Mix commercials to help make ends meet. Ron: Computees! Hermione: It's computers, Ron. Ron: Oh... 6. Filch joins Alcoholics Anonymous. Harry: So that's his problem! *A look of comprehension comes over his face.* George: That was all the Filch theories. Take it away, Fred! Fred: Let's see... *flips through book* Ah, McGonagall theories. There's only a couple. 1. Professor McGonagall decides to cancel the class schedule and instead throw a party. During the party, they watch the first two Harry Potter movies. Ron: Blimey! I need to lose weight! Harry: I need to gain weight! Harry: There's Harry Potter movies? Hermione: Yeah, I'll explain later. Ron: I'm not fat! Fred: This next one is kinda scary... 2. McGonagall dresses like Britney (Hit me Albus, One MOre TimE) and Snape dresses like Eminem ("My Name is Sev".... "The real greasy hair please stand up") Ron: *shivers* That is scary! Next, please! Fred: And the last McGonagall one: 3. McGonagall develops turrets syndrome which makes her shout: TIPTOE THROUGH THE TULIPS! every so often. Fred: How about Hagrid theories? Hermione: *sighs annoyingly* OK, but they had better not be too harsh! Fred: Don't worry. *looks worried and hopes that they aren't too harsh as he flips to the Hagrid theories* Ok, here we go: 1. Dobby's voice breaks and he has a deep-ness competition with Hagrid and wins. Ron: That's impossible! 2. Hagrid gets a white fluffy kitten called Bielzibub, and spends the whole year trying to convince people how frightening and interesting it is Harry: Hagrid would do that... Hermione: *looks angry* Harry: Well, he would... 3. Hagrid is caught taking a shower with his rubber ducky and sings I'm a barbie girl in a barbie world!!! Ron: AHH! I HOPE that's not true! 4. Hagrid breaks into "I'm too sexy fer me beard." Fred: HA! That's too funny! *Rolls on the floor laughing and knocks down the Christmas tree.* George: Get a hold of yourself! *pulls the Christmas tree back up as Fred wipes tears of laughter from his face* 5. Hagrid goes on the subway diet and takes Jared's place in those commercials. Fred: I made that one up. *Hermione looks disapprovingly at him.* George: Uh, back to the list, then. 6. Lucius Malfoy builds Hagrid a real house. Ron: Let's see, that'll happen when pigs fly... 7. Hagrid shrinks. 8. Hagrid becomes a ballerina. *Everyone laughs, except Hermione, of course.* 9. Hagrid wins the Bachelor of the Year Award. 10. Hagrid decides to teach interior decorating instead of Care of Magical Creatures. He has the class redesign the Great Hall to look like a 60's disco hall. Harry: Well, it would beat taking care of Blast-Ended Screwts! Ron: Yeah it would. George: Last one coming up. 11. Hagrid learns to tap-dance. Fred: I want to read again. *rips the book out of George's grip; as he does, a page rips out: the Flitwick theories page. Fred: I spent 2 hours making this book the muggle way! Ah well, I'll read the Flitwick theories. 1. Professor Flitwick dresses up like a leprechaun for Halloween and runs around the castle telling people that they taste "Magically Delicious" Hermione: Not funny! 2. Hagrid eats Professor Flitwick when he's dressed up as that leprechaun, and Hagrid says, "He wasn't so Magically Delicious." *Hermione looks like she's on the verge of tears.* Fred: They're just jokes, Hermione... Hermione: It's just that, that was sort of funny! Hagrid would never do that! *Everyone looks at her like the can't believe their ears, but she just shrugs and Fred continues reading.* 3. Professor Flitwick will get bigger than Hagrid. Harry: How would that happen? Hermione: Easy, a growth potion. Harry: Oh, yeah, duh! *smacks himself on the head* 4. Flitwick buys some platforms. Ron: For the disco hall? George: Maybe. Fred: Well, that was all of the Flitwick theories. George: Should we read one more? Fred: Sure. How about Dumbledore theories, that is if Hermione doesn't mind. Hermione: *sighs again* Fine, fine! Fred: Great! *flips to Dumbledore theories* Ok, here they are: *reads* 1. Dumbledore pulls off his mask and yells "Surprise! I'm actually Austin Powers! Yea baby! Ron and Harry: I love that movie! *they both laugh* 2. Dumbledore and Gandalf will meet and go party in Hogsmeade together. Harry: Who's Gandalf? George: Um, I think he's from a muggle book, Sword of the Sings, or something. Hermione: It's Lord of the Rings. George: Yeah, that's it! Ron: Can we continue! Fred: Geeze, Ron. *continues to read.* 3. Dumbledore becomes a Chippendale dancer and quits his job as Headmaster of Hogwarts. Harry: A what? George: You don't want to know. 4. Dumbledore retires to open an ice cream shop. Hermione: OK, so first he quits, then he retires? Fred: They're just jokes, Hermione! 5. Dumbledore decides to grant himself the DADA post. He makes Percy the new Headmaster. Ron: NOO, NOT PERCY! 6. Dumbledore shaves his beard and magically puts it under his armpits. Hermione: EW!!! Fred: OK then, moving on... 7. It's discovered that Dumbledore is the magician with the mask that was giving away all the magician's tricks on TV. Hermione: That would explain a lot! 8. Dumbledore hires a security guard, but instead he gets an old bum who just sits around getting drunk and yelling at people. Harry: Kind of like Filch... George: Exactly! *Fred continues reading.* 9. Dumbledore runs around the school throwing popcorn in the air while yelling it's snowing, it's snowing!!! George: I always sort of questioned his sanity. *Hermione yells at him.* Just kidding, just kidding. Wow, Dumbledore is easy to pick on. 10. Dumbledore ends up disliking lemon sherbets. 11. Dumbledore has a fight with his beard; of course the beard wins, so Dumbledore dyes his hair purple.  
  
Hermione: That one doesn't even make sense!  
  
Fred: It doesn't have to. One of the steps was that it couldn't make any sense, remember? 12. Dumbledore yells at Harry. Harry: Eek. 13. Hagrid is successful as a ballerina, so Voldemort and Dumbledore decide to become ballerinas too. Hermione: That is somewhat funny... Fred: That was all of the Dumbledore theories. *looks at his gummy/candy watch* And look at the time! George, we have to go, our joke shop is opening soon! It's the only one open on Christmas day, by the way! Harry: Not yet, I want to read the Malfoy theories! George: We'll be back tomorrow/ whenever the author has time to write a new chapter! Harry: Ok. Fred: If any of you muggles out there have ideas for theories about Draco/Crabbe/Goyle other Hogwart's students, then OWL them to us! We may use some of them in our "book!" ~* End of Chapter 2. Please read and review! Hey, that rhymed! : ) *~ 


	3. More teacher theories and some Student T...

Harry Potter Theories for Dummies: Chapter 3: More teacher theories and some student theories There are OotP spoilers.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling, Warner Brothers, Scholastic Books, etc. Some of the theories I use in this story are made up by me and most are from HP websites. The theories are totally comedic/parody and written as if predictions for upcoming HP books. There are OotP spoilers. Thanks to Lara Christi for reviewing- I used some of those theories, thanks!  
  
*Harry, Ron, and Hermione are lounging around in the Common Room on the day after Christmas; their stomachs are quite full from the feast.*  
  
Ron: If I never hear the word "turkey" again, I'll die a happy man.  
  
Harry: Turkey!  
  
Ron: You're a git, Harry.  
  
Hermione: Oh, would you two do something constructive, like get a head start on studying for the final exams!  
  
Ron: Hermione, they're not for another six months!  
  
Hermione: I know, but it's never to early to start studying. Honestly Ron, didn't you learn from those quotes of that homework planner I gave you?  
  
Ron: Um...er... *There is a knock on the window.*  
  
Harry: Oh, it must be Hedwig.  
  
Hermione: No...it's... Fred and George. *Harry and Ron turn their heads to the window, to find Fred and George on broomsticks, hovering right outside. Their faces are blue from the cold. Ron runs over, opens the window, backs up, and Fred and George come zooming in.*  
  
Fred: *landing with a flourish* It's about time you opened the window! I nearly froze to my broomstick!  
  
George: *also landing and dusting snow off his clothes* Yeah, what took you so long?  
  
Ron: Well we didn't know you'd be coming via broomstick! Why didn't you use the portrait hole?  
  
Fred: Duh, we don't know the password you dolt!  
  
Ron: Shut up!  
  
Hermione: Can we please just read the theories already?  
  
George: Yes, lets. You may find some about yourselves today. *Grins evilly at all of them as Harry gets the book from under a couch cushion*  
  
Fred: Why'd you go hiding it?  
  
Harry: Um...  
  
Hermione: When Dobby found the word "Harry" and "Dummies" in the same group of words, he tried to burn it. *Harry grows red.*  
  
George: Ha, I thought there was something odd about that house-elf...  
  
Harry: Ok can we please carry on!  
  
Fred: Loosen your trousers Harry, if that's possible. *Notes the fact that everyone is a bit fatter than yesterday* Now where were we... ah yes, just finishing up the teacher theories... (A/N: I'm also including Sirius theories here. I know he's dead, but let's pretend like he's not.)  
  
George: There's just a few miscellaneous ones to go... *Finds the page they were on* Here it is.  
  
1. Lockhart appears in the Great Hall saying "Macho, macho, men".  
  
Harry: I didn't know he could sing.  
  
Fred: Well duh, he just released a Christmas album.  
  
Hermione: HE DID?  
  
Fred: Gotcha!  
  
George: Haha, very funny. Moving on.  
  
2. Lockhart defeats Voldie.  
  
Harry: Well, that'd make my job a whole lot easier!  
  
3. Voldemort (I know: he said his name.) becomes the President of the United States; Lockhart is the Vice President. Dobby works in the White House kitchens and decides he doesn't want to be paid.  
  
Ron: That'd be a nightmare! 4. MTV makes a studio for TRL in Hogwarts. Lockhart performs his hit song "Magical me". Ron: What's TRL again? Hermione: It's a popular show on MTV. Ron: What's MTV? Hermione: Never mind. George: 5. Snape plays the tuba.  
  
Fred: That'd be weird!  
  
6. Trelawney runs around shouting Awogaboogabooga, I'm gonna getcha Harry!  
  
Harry: AH! GO ON PLEASE!  
  
George: OK!  
  
7. Sirius decides he likes it better in Azkaban.  
  
Hermione: Well, he is a bit insane.  
  
Fred: How do you know?  
  
Hermione: It doesn't take a rocket scientist, does it?  
  
8. Snape gets up in front of everybody wearing a sombrero and sings La Cucaracha.  
  
Ron: What is it with making Snape sing and dance?  
  
Fred: Because he never would, that's why.  
  
9. Hagrid realizes he needs a new look and goes cowboy.  
  
Harry: And I thought he couldn't get any worse than that moleskin coat. 10. Sirius and Harry finally live together and for celebration, both dance in underwear while singing, "give it away, give it away, give it away now...." Harry: *turns red again* Don't you DARE use that one in your book! Fred: Fine. *Gets out a quill and ink and scratches the theory off* 11. Sirius and Harry team up to rid the world of the Dursleys, Harry wears pants over his robes, Sirius wears leather. Harry: Finally, someone had some sense to make an intelligent theory! 12. Trelawney quits and Snape takes over Divination...he would love to predict Harry's death. Harry: No kidding. 13. President George W. Bush will make a cameo in a surprise visit to the Ministry of Magic. 14. Bilbo Baggins turns up and shouts: OH BUGGER! I'VE GOT THE WRONG FILM SET AGAIN HAVEN'T I? Fred: Those ones didn't really fit in this category, but what the hey. Ron: Billy who? Hermione: Another character from LOTR. Ron: Oh. George: That was the end of the teacher/faculty theories. Why don't we read some student theories!  
  
Fred: Ok, but I want to read them!  
  
Ron: No, me!  
  
George: Ok little brother... if you think you can handle it.  
  
Ron: *rips the book out of George's hands and finds the student theories* 1. Draco Malfoy puts a spell on the Slytherin Common Room Changing it from a dark dungeon into a brightly colored Las Vegas style casino.  
  
Harry: That is, if he knows such a complicated spell.  
  
2. Malfoy achieves the animagus of a fly and Trevor "accidentally" eats him!  
  
Ron: Maybe that toad has half a brain after all... *sees Hermione's grimace* just kidding! *he adds this hastily*  
  
3. Malfoy ditches Crabbe and Goyle and becomes best friends with Ron.  
  
Ron: Like that would ever happen?  
  
4. Malfoy doesn't mention his father.  
  
Harry: He does seem to metion his father a lot, doesn't he?  
  
5. Dudley is voted Miz Hogwarts 2004.  
  
Harry: NOOOOO!!!!!  
  
Hermione: How dumb; he;s not even a wizard!  
  
Ron: Next...  
  
6. Lee Jordan stars in a 50 cent video.  
  
Ron: 50 who?  
  
Hermione: He's a rap artist.  
  
Ron: Ook. 7. Fred and George don't get in trouble.  
  
Fred: That's definitely not going to come true.  
  
8. Draco and Harry get into a wizarding duel and Fred slips Draco a fake wand. Draco gets thrown backward by Harry, but he laughs it off and buys 10 of the fake wands.  
  
Fred: Hey, that's a good idea. I could make it turn into a pink teddy bear. *Gets one of those maniac-evil grins*  
  
George: Why don't you read one about Hermione, Ron?  
  
Ron: *blushing* No.  
  
George: I DARE you.  
  
Ron: No.  
  
George: I DOUBLE DOG DARE you.  
  
Ron: No! *This was getting serious. The only thing left was a triple dare.*  
  
George: Then fine. I TRIPLE DOG DARE you.  
  
Ron: f-fine. *Hermione glowers at George and Ron.* erm- 1. Hermione quits Hogwarts to get her dream job: working at McDonald's.  
  
Hermione: That is SO not funny! *Fred and George are laughing while Ron is still red in the face.*  
  
Fred: Read another one!  
  
Ron: NO!  
  
Fred: Fine, I will. Give me the book! *Yanks the book away from Ron* Hmm...  
  
2. Hermione jumps up and down and does a dance because she's so happy that she got a 67%, which means she passed her test in potions. She tries to make Neville feel better about getting a 99% instead of a 100% on the test. Hermione: PLEASE go on! 3. Hermione starts up the Save Voldie Organization. *Harry almost laughs while Hermione looks daggers at him* 4. Hermione finally decides it's worse to wake up dead than to be expelled, so when she gets an "F" on an assignment, she shrugs her shoulders. "At least I'm still alive." Harry: How can you wake up if you're dead? George: Beats me. *Hermione isn't talking.* 5. Hermione goes on a sponsored "run-around-the-school-poking-as-many- people-as-possible-in-the-head" to save the Endangered Blast-Ended Screwt. Hermione: Ron, I'm going to get you next, you wait! ~*End of Chapter 3. Please read and review!*~ There was a small "Christmas Story" reference. I don't think it was exactly the right dialogue, but oh well. Did anyone catch it? 


	4. The Last Chapter :

Harry Potter theories for Dummies Chapter 4: Ron, Harry, and miscellaneous theories.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling, Warner Brothers, Scholastic Books, etc. Some of the theories I use in this story are made up by me and most are from HP websites. The theories are totally comedic/parody and written as if predictions for upcoming HP books. There are OotP spoilers.  
  
PLEASE NOTE: This is the last chapter of this fic. If you want the complete list of theories, I'll try to email them to you if I have time. The theories in this chapter may be a little unorganized, so bear with me.  
  
*Ron is fearful because Hermione is going to read the theories about him. Slowly, he hands her the book, and she turns to the Ron theories, a small grin on her face*  
  
Hermione: Where are they? *looking through book as Ron becomes hopeful*... here they are! *Ron groans.*  
  
Ron: Ok, get it over with.  
  
Hermione: You had your turn Ron, now it's my turn.  
  
1. Ron turns Pigwidgeon yellow.  
  
Ron: I don't get it.  
  
Hermione: Well, you tried to turn Scabbers yellow in our first year and it didn't work, remember?  
  
Ron: Oh. *turns red*  
  
2. Harry dies, so they change the title of Book 6 to Ron Weasley and his Best Friend Draco Malfoy.  
  
Harry: That's not a very good one.  
  
Hermione: I know, sorry Harry.  
  
Ron: HEY! *Hermione laughs.*  
  
Hermione: You know we're just joking around, Ron.  
  
Ron: I know that.  
  
Hermione: Ok then, here's the next one.  
  
3. Ron dyes his hair black.  
  
Ron: I wonder how I would look with black hair...  
  
4. Ron isn't sarcastic.  
  
Ron: I'm NOT SARCASTIC!  
  
Harry: Um, yes you are...  
  
Hermione: A little...  
  
*Ron crosses his arms.* 5. Ginny kidnaps Harry and they go to Las Vegas, and Ron thinks that it was Hermione, so in a jealous fit he accidentally cuts off Harry's ear. *At this point. Ron blushes madly, and Hermione thinks it best to switch to a different theory.*  
  
Hermione: Um, why don't you read the Harry theories, Ron?  
  
Ron: Ok. *looks at Harry, who sighs and nods.*  
  
1. Harry doesn't ask: but WHY Mr- Arch-nemisis-baddy-man? in the climax chapter.  
  
Harry: But WHY wouldn't I do that?  
  
2. Harry kisses Myrtle.  
  
Everyone: YUCK!  
  
3. Peeves kills Harry in a passionate fit of jealousy.  
  
Ron: Um, next...  
  
4. Harry falls into the lake and a giant squid eats him.  
  
Harry: Why does everyone want me to die? *looks hurt*  
  
Hermione: Well, of course they don't really want you dead. *Harry looks relieved* 5. Harry buys Arthur Weasley a Mercedes Benz to make up for his wrecked Ford Anglia. Harry: I'm not THAT rich. 6. Harry reveals he has red eyes inherited from Voldemort and tells everyone to save up some money so he can buy the same green contact lenses he has lost.  
  
Harry: Hey!  
  
7. Harry doesn't go to Hogwarts because he has much more fun staying with the Dursleys.  
  
8. Harry admires Snape.  
  
Harry: hahahahaha, yeah right!  
  
9. Harry's scar heals completely and he isn't recognized anymore.  
  
Harry: Hopefully, it will heal. 10. Harry finds out he is Voldemort's 1/2 brother in-law 8 times removed. Ron: Here's just some miscellaneous theories. 1. Voldemort gets asked to be on E! True Hollywood Story. Hermione: *before Ron even asks* A muggle show. 2. Percy changes his name to P. Weezy and becomes a more popular white rapper that Eminem. Ron: HAHA!!!!!!!!!! 3. The whole school takes a class trip to the mall. Dumbledore buys out all the lemon drops in the candy store. Muggles see the hats and robes and think it's a new trend George: Robes are a trend! What, are they living in the stone ages? 4. There is a "Real World Hogsmeade" for any recent Hogwarts graduates. Percy, deciding he needs a break, joins it. He is shocked to find the house he will be staying in is the Shrieking Shack. 5. Dudley tries to use floo powder and ends up stuck in the fireplace. Harry: I wish! 6. Harry goes on Oprah. Harry: I thought you were done with torturing me? 7. This conversation happens: Voldemort: Are you ready to die, Harry? Harry: It's been a hard day's night.  
  
And I've been workin' like a dog.  
  
It's been a hard day's night.  
  
I should be sleepin' like a log.  
  
But when I get home to you,  
  
I find the things that you do,  
  
Will make me feel alright. Voldemort: ........ Harry: ENOUGH ALREADY!! 8. Crookshanks meets Mrs. Norris and they have kittens. Hermione: That would be horrible! The kittens would be evil like Filch! 9. Harry and all the other Quidditch players dress up in kilts on spirit day and dance to the "Y.M.C.A." right before a Quidditch match. Ron: Ug. 10. Mr. Dursley shaves his mustache; Dudley grows one. 11. Sir Cadogan and the Fat Lady get married. Hermione: They would make a cute couple! *everyone looks at her* 12. Madam Pince throws out all the books in the library -even in the restricted section, and installs a computer lab. Fascinated with such advanced muggle technology, Aurthur Weasley comes to the library everyday and hogs the computers until he is finally banned from the school. Ron: That's making fun of my dad. Hmph! Fred: They're just jokes, Ron. And he does love muggle stuff. 13. Vernon begins to favor Harry over Dudley. Harry: No more me theories! 14. It is discovered that George is really Fred; Fred had just been using a time turner to make it look like he had a twin. His biggest prank ever! *Everyone looks at the tiwns instegatedly* Twins: *looking aprehesive* It's not true!  
  
15. Voldemort has a TV SHOW "Good Morning Hogwarts" How about an opening Luau? Voldie and the Death Eaters dance the Hula for all of Hogwarts. Harry: No!!!!!!!!!!! 16. All of the dementors desert Azkaban and decide to sun bath on the quidditch pitch...in little skimpy orange bikinis. Ron: Um, next! 17. Sirius goes into therapy because even when he's not a dog, he just can't stop smelling people's butts. Hermione: Ok, I've heard enough. *Everyone else agrees.* Fred: Wait, is it a go or a no, Harry? Harry: Well... OK, you can publish it. *Fred and George jump for joy.* 


End file.
